March 8, 2011

Days like today are hard.  Days where it seems as though everyone is getting engaged or expecting.  I look at other people's happiness and can't help but think "that could have been me..."  Even though I know this isn't true, even though I know God has other plans for me.  It's still hard.  Because I did love Kyle, and I still love Kyle, and I think I will always love Kyle.  Because for the last 3.5 years my entire future revolved around me and Kyle.  And within a year I'll be in Texas permanently (and it would have been sooner if we were still together) and I'll face the reality of a life I'll never have.  It's hard because we didn't break up over some dramatic issue, or because "things weren't working out" or because we no longer wanted to be together.  No.  It's hard because I was called in a different direction.  We were being called in different directions.  And God was saying, I have other plans for you, trust that my plans are better than your own.  And so I sit here sad, and trying to trust.  And still learning how to let go of my own plans that I made for myself.  And still learning how to accept that what I thought were God's plans for my life, are not.  And trying to move on with less tears and less heartache than yesterday.  So happy news is still bittersweet to me.  I will smile and say "Congratulations!"  And I will mean it, but I will still be letting go of the past and trying to believe in a future.  I know that this was the right decision, and I know that God's new plans for my life will be infinitely better than anything I could possibly plan for myself.  But sometimes the wound of a broken relationship is ripped open again and I have to deal with the pain, and wrap it back up before continuing on.