Lots of Thoughts

I'm back in Tejas after a long drive.  I've grown to like the drive by myself.  I found all these old mixed CDs from highschool and it was fun popping them in seeing what was on them all.  It brought back a bunch of old memories.  My favorite surprise was putting in a CD labled "Lauren's pop/hip-hop 2006" made by an old best friend from drill team and hearing "stelletos, pumps in the club!"  I started to crack up in the car by myself.  I was glad to be alone so I wouldn't be as embarassed for knowing all the words...
A 10 hr car ride alone also makes good time for thinking.  I though a lot about my current situation and how much things can change and have changed in a only year.  A year ago I couldn't wait to get married.  I couldn't wait to get home.  All I wanted was to graduate, go to med school, get married and have lots of babies.  Well now I only want half of those things.  I think the biggest change is going from having a thought out and planned future, to having no idea what will be happening in my life next month.  I don't like not knowing.  I HATE not knowing.  I'm learning though.  I'm now OK with not knowing.  It's still taking awhile to get used to.  To figure out my life again.  But I'm getting there.  I still want to get married, but I don't give a crap about the wedding.  I would be happy in a gorgeous dress, and getting married in the court house.  What a waste of time and money and energy into one day.  This feeling will probably change, but right now that's how I feel.  I feel like it's a waste and selfish and awful to waste so much money on decorations and other pointless crap.  I don't think I want kids.  I could change my mind a million more times about this one as well, but as of right now I cannot imagine being a good mother.  I don't feel like I'm maternal.  I don't feel like I'd be a good home maker at all.  I can't decorate, I'm not crafty, I'm not creative, I don't have the patience to cook anything that takes more than 20 minutes to make, or dirties more than one dish.  I don't like playing with babies.  They're cute for about 10 minutes and then they're just boring.  And they're SO MUCH resposibility!  I spent the night at my friends house recently and she's a step mom to a 6 year old.  I was floored when I saw what a good mom she was.  I was also floored at everything she has to think about and does for her baby girl.  I feel like after sitting down and actually thinking about what I value, what's important to me, and what I want out of life I've realized that having children and being a good home maker just aren't a part of that.  This is significant because these things were very important to my ex-boyfriend.  I don't care about any of it.  Goodness how things can change in a year.  I'll probably write several other posts about this topic and y'all can follow my thoughts as I continue to grow and change from this whole experience.

also, I forgot how boring my small town can be without a boyfriend.